Death and Disappointment

I am so grateful that 2015 is dawning! 2014 was probably the most difficult year in my life. I thought 2013 had ended on a difficult note because in October my father died and then suddenly in November, my brother also died. However, another death in the family rocked my world when my sister died in April  2014. Three deaths in the family within six months is difficult enough, but my troubles did not end there.

After I returned from my sister’s funeral, I was talking with my husband in a conversation in which I disagreed with him on something that I considered minor, and the next thing I knew he had me against the wall choking me. He had hit me a few times in the past, but this time, I realized that he could kill me. It probably would be an accident, but he was angry enough that he could accidentally kill me. I would be dead, and he would be in jail, and our 13 year old daughter would be in foster care. So as not to go into detail, I will simply tell you that was my wake up call. I knew that I had to leave. He agreed to buy me a truck so that I would leave. He told me that he wanted nothing to do with me and he told me that he now considered himself an agnostic because he doubted that God existed.

So what came next was for me to make plans. I talked with my son and he said that he would set me up with a place on his land (he just got over 30 acres). He would set me up with a trailer and I could raise gardens and animals. I had fun dreaming about that as I prepared my exodus.

Delays followed delays. He could not find me a trailer that suited him and he had his own work and housing issues to deal with finally, he found me a place that he said would be temporary. It was a house out on an almost undrive-able dirt road, with extremely poor cell service, no internet, and no land line.  To make matters worse, it was in the neighborhood where in 2009 we had built a house that we lost to foreclosure and a woman had been murdered and hacked up. The murderer had been caught, but several people said that he had been acting on someone else’s orders. I lived there for over 4 months.

Frustration

When I moved out, I had limited funds, but I thought that I would quickly be able to get a job and be able to get some cash flow. I started applying for jobs in the area before I ever moved. I applied for job after job with no offers of employment. I moved in July. July passed. I graduated college July 30th, surely someone would want to hire  a newly graduated with honors (magna cum laude)  individual with a bachelor’s in liberal arts.August passed. Still no job. Finally by the first of September, I was desperate for anything.

Depression Gives Way to Hope

By the beginning of September, I was so depressed I was actually contemplating suicide. I cried myself to sleep every night and wondered if I was going to survive the pain that I was feeling. Things continued to get worse for me. on September 5, my computer’s hard drive bit the dust. I took it to get it repaired and I was told that it would cost me more money than I had to get it fixed. The worst day came when I was on my way into town and I heard a loud sound coming from one of my tires. I pulled over to the side of the road and saw that much of the tread had come off the tire. I watched the tire blow before my eyes. I didn’t have a spare. I called my son who said that he would buy me a new tire. I called a friend who said that he would get the new tire come fix it for me. I realized that I wasn’t alone, that my hope was in the fact that God put people in my path to help me. I saw light at the end of the tunnel. It was a faint light, but it was definitely light.

A Different Direction

Toward the end of September I finally had a job that would at least provide me with a cash flow. I started working as direct care staff for an autistic young man. Even this minimum wage job was better than I had before and I am grateful to have it.  With my first check from that job, I paid to have the computer fixed. One of my friends agreed to take me on as a roommate in a house in town. We worked to fix it up to make it a really nice home. We all moved into the house in November. I again have the internet. When I was off the internet in September and October, I read a number of books and when I had the computer back I worked on the second draft of A Coward’s Solace which is the next book in The Locket Saga. In November I wrote the first draft of Sailing Under the Black Flag the book which will follow A Coward’s Solace in the Locket Saga. My direction has changed considerable in the past year, but I know that God is behind these changes. I look forward to making plans and meeting new goals in 2015.